What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.