What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.