Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
The snuggle is real.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.