Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
I like long runs on the beach.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.