What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
You’re wine in a million.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.