"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
I am a mean green machine.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.