What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
He’s an elf-made man.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”