A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
Don’t moss around.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.