What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
I bet you’re really flexible.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency