Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
I want to stretch with you.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
That was thaw-some!
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
It’s worth a shot.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...