They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!