If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
"You crack me up."
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam