What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis