Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.

As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!

Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?

What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."

My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once

At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.

What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder

The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!

"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen

Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.

I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.

A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.

What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.

A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.

What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones

I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.

A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.

Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."

Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.

My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet

I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.

How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.

I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!

What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.

Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.

What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.

How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!

What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer

Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.