“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
"You can't sip with us."
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
I like the way you espresso yourself.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan