I put the “man” in Manitoba.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Want to be workout buddies?
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
You are my density!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.