Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai