Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Shake your shamrocks.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.