I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.