The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
One should always practice what they peach.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
We’ll have a ball.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.