Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.

Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!

Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.

Tis the sea-sun.

The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.

The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.

Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

- James Baldwin.

Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.

There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.

What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.

"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."

The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.

What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.

What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.

Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.

Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!

What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.

What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.

Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.

You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.

If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.

Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.

What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!

Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.

Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"

Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.

What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.

What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.

“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins

Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.

When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!

Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.

What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.

Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY

Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.

Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.

Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.