What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.