Til death do us part and then some, dear.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.