What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.