“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
That look soots you.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
"Bugs and hisses."
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.