What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown