What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
I want you for no raisin.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Pirates Private Property.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
I can heartly wait to see you.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.