When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.

Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!

I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.

“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette

What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”

Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.

what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Something’s goat to give.

Can we still share a netflix account?

the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!

How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.

As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.

I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.

This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!

If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.

How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.

What should you double check when buying an electric car?

That your driving license is current.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.

An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.

Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'

"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman

Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.

What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.

Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.

Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.

A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.

What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.

Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.

What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.

“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame

Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!