How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Can I be your next varietal?
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.