Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
That was thaw-some!
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!