The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
I’m very frond of you.