The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
The calm before the score
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
Funny meat-ing you here.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
We've reached the point of snow return.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.