I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
I want you. I knead you.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.