“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
People are always after me lucky charms.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Leaf me alone.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Gold riddance.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!