Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!

Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.

What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.

What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.

Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.

A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.

Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.

I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.

Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?

What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.

Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.

Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!

What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.

Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.

What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.

My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"

Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia

Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.

What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.

I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.

What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.

Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.

What do you call a negative fog?

A pessimist.

How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.

I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."

Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.

Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.

I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.

Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.

What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.

My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.

I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.

The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.