What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
We like to paddy.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Girls just wanna have sun.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.