Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.