It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.