Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
"Some people have no guts."
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.