I aorta tell you how much I love you.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.