“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
I’m rooting for you!
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.