I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
I bet you I could stop gambling.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.