Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Want to go for a ride?
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
As it snow happens.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
I can score from multiple positions.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
He’s an elf-made man.