Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.