“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
You know what they say? Words.
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!