Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
Here's to a big opening weekend.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Snow on and snow forth.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.