What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?