What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.