“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
"You deserve better and so do I."
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Having a ball
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.