Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.