“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I fence-y you.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Beach you to it.
I love you from my head tomato
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?