I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!