What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.